Thursday, March 11, 2010

Why am I just standing here?

When I am online with my level 80 character, I have time to stop and smell the roses, one of the roses being in the form of /guildchat. Whether I am flying around looking for pretty plants, or fishing in Wintergrasp and fighting off the occasional hordie, I have time to read what my guildmates are doing. If I want to, I can chime in with a few "LOLs" or "Grats!" or I can simply be quiet. My guildmates don't know whether I'm actually at my computer watching the screen, so If I don't respond there is no guilt on my part and no angst on theirs (hopefully) during quiet times.

On Horde side I have a character, Monjini. She is busy. She is only 75 and working hard to level to become an asset somewhere. She wants very much to be able to go into Naxx. When I began playing with her again the other day, it just felt weird to be guildless. It was too quiet, even if I didn't want to actually "say" anything, there was a void without the "chat." So, when a nice person invited me to their guild I joined after asking about the size of the group. I wish to be a part of a certain size guild so there would be "chatter" and a possibility of raids later on.

Now the conundrum. After joining I found out that my new guild doesn't really use guildchat -- they interact via teamspeak. When I asked about communication for raiding it did not occur to me to ask about their communication process in general--during the "rest" of the time. In fact several times in the course of my second night in the guild the only guild chat basically consisted of a reminder to activate teamspeak for all communication, the guild announcement for the day, and as achievement auto-announcements popped up my "Grats".

So the "Get to know your guildmates" is done verbally.

That means headset and microphone (check) and the teamspeak program (check).

Pros: For raids, and instances, yes. I like that. Officer decisions, totally good.

Cons: I wear a headset all day at work. Sigh. I don't want to wear one constantly. I am willing to wear one for instances and decision making process, BUT NOT ALL THE TIME. >.< My ear hurts.

I want a bit more anonymity. I want to be able to ignore questions I feel uncomfortable answering with simple on screen silence. It is easier for me to Type "um I'm not ready to discuss much of my real life" than to hem/haw around in voicechat.

Voicechat is not a comfortable thing for me. Typing is.

When I am concentrating on questing, it takes all my brainpower to do it. I know, some of you can do this stuff, talk, chew gum, and knit a sweater all at the same time. I cannot. So, I was trying to quest, with my headset on, and trying to be somewhat attentive to the chatter and not miss out on a cue if they were speaking to me and I really got flustered. I stopped questing and found myself just sort of hanging there, in mid air, on my flying carpet, not going anywhere. (Funny, troll fems loose their straightback posture and look undeadish standing on the carpet.)

Don't get me wrong, those I've met through the guild using this venue of communication all seem very nice. Helpful. Calm. Mature. It's not them, it's me. I am not comfortable.

I have to decide how much time to give myself to find my niche. This is the trial period after all. A time not only for the guild leaders to see if a potential full member will fit with them, but also for the new member to see if the guild dynamics are a comforting presence in her life online.

For now, I want to just stand here. I chose discomfort over running away. I want to give us time. Like two individuals that have just looked into one another's eyes, there is wonder and trepedation. It is okay to be uncomfortable, it adds a tension that causes growth and excitement. So just standing here, quietly watching and shyly smiling is okay. I will find the roses in this new encounter.

It's hard to be "new".

Potential for personal growth FTW!

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